Raven 2

Again I awake with this dread and panic that seems to have become part of my mornings.  Lying there in a delusional state of wake, creating visions of pain.  Wanting to reach out to anyone that can listen to me, but choosing to stay bundled in my painful emotions and my over sized comforter until the sun cooks me into life.  No more lazy stretching morning with excited thoughts of the day to come.   The panic will fade as more time is spend away from him.  Until the next mistake of getting to close and bam I’m back at the starting gate again. Again and again I hurt my self for small pieces of the man i want to love.  Do I love him at all?  Is this another way of punishing myself?  Has he become my raven.  Do I choose to keep only a few close so that I can self punish when ever I feel deserving?