so I see

How do I begin to release to love again.  Im not talking about the immediate emotions but to truly accept all of  someone without guarding against every action.  I find myself looking for reasons to detach emotionally from anyone close to me.  It was once unperceived in my actions.  It is now overwhelmingly obvious, causing a distraction in my life.  It starts with a closeness to someone through open understanding.  Emotions indicate a need to draw that someone close,  near enough to be emotionally damaging.  Then without realizing it I find faults, or triggers that allow me to reason putting up emotional walls.  Walls meant to protect from what?   I hide behind that wall in my state of self righteousness, sure that the little bit of action is enough to hunker down in self protection mode.   Until I once again feel lonely enough to be exposed once more.  It takes so much effort to realize when I do this. Many emotional waves must be sorted through just to see the truth of it.   I have found that it plays a part in all my relationships that have any substance.  I have found that in times of turmoil, even my family is pushed away.  People who,  in there imperfect ways have absolutely no intention of  hurting me.  If I continue in this way how can I ever hope to completely accept,  understand, and  love someone.   Fear is so insidious that it sneaks in and can be easily disguised by reason.     To challenge fear in mundane actions in my life, has become nothing more that an emotional adrenaline rush.  Tasks that have to be conquered seemingly without  much effort.  The real challenge is acknowledging emotional fear, which is not so easily placed on a task list.   I pray  for courage with my emotions, and truth in my understanding.